THE GRIEF CYCLE DEMYSTIFIED.

Photo credit :Sly Poet

I got a very sincere mail from a beautiful lady (even though, I have no idea how she looks, my spirit tells me so! Lol). She is miss NK from Uyo, Nigeria. NK is a wonderful lady who wants my view about how long someone has to wait before stepping into another emotional boat after a serious heartbreak(unexpected breakup) .

Honestly, I can’t perfectly answer the question, how I wish I can .However, I trust God to answer your questions through this piece. To me, I don’t believe there is a particular time-frame stipulated for folks in such situation. In fact, what matters is how we get down the emotional and mental giant in our mind rather than how long we stand before it in awe or amusement. Beloved , I strongly advise you don’t get into another relationship until you are sure, you have perfectly completed your grief cycle, else you end up picking unhealthy frequencies from past impulses.

I haven’t suffered serious heartbreak in my few relationships so far (probably, l can’t remember). Oddly, the past few weeks hasn’t been fun globally for Manchester United fans (Thanks to Jose Morinho and his cohorts).

Photo credit : Maheshtushar

Dear, I do encourage people to give the original copy of their heart to Jesus. With Jesus, safety is guaranteed. He is the master insurer. Peradventure, the whirlwind of life blows and leaves your heart with a crack, the master insurer would mend your heart and replace it for you at no cost. If your heart is not insured with HIM, it’s not too late; you can still come to him today.

Mostly, what we call breakup is nothing but a setup to grow up. When you break out of a wrong relationship, it’s called salvation – You might be saved from divorce,abusive relationship,untimely death, even parenting ‘ugly’ set of children. Nothing is as draining as trying to keep up with a wrong relationship.

Heartbreaks are more grievous when sexual restrictions are disregarded. Sexual abstinence is not just an advice it is a command and it’s for your own ‘safety’!

Moreover,I believe some breakups activate serious impromptu party in heaven,just as a sinner who repents according to Luke 15:10. Imagine when God, Jesus, angels and the host of heaven even the eggs within your body (unborn children) are jubilating on your behalf and you are passionately soaking your pillows with your tears like that mat-carrying diminutive yoruba gnome (Egbere). It’s ridiculous right? Yeah..!

Some breakups are very healthy and necessary. We should embrace it as part of life. Many youths will never grow up until they breakup. If you are led to leave a relationship or you notice you are on a wrong boat just step out as quickly as possible. It’s weird sometimes but just do it!

Back to NK’s question. I strongly advise you stay off any relationship after ‘heartbreak’ until you have fully completed these phases I would be discussing below:

1. Denial: Naturally, we activate denial mode by default after shocking and unfavorable news. When you break the news about people’s love one, next word that pops up is “It’s not possible” (even if the person has been in coma for centuries). Same thing happens in our relationships. when the unexpected hit us hard, words like “He will soon change his mind,” she is gonna be back” begins to caress our soul just to cushion the shock and the grief within. If the unexpected happens and these questions don’t spring up after some hours or days, then something is wrong!

I remembered standing in front of my departmental board to check my 300 level results. My feet were glued to the ground even as my bones rattled within me, with my heart slamming against my ribs and quivering jaws I muttered under my breath “ No.. No, this result can’t be mine! They have got to do something about it ASAP.” So it’s normal to deny the unfavorable news.

2. Anger: This happens when people realize they can’t turn back the ticking hand of time. The period folks think they deserve a second chance but the door had been slammed against them. They wonder why they didn’t give more to the relationship; they wish it had never happened. This mentality fosters bitterness, resentment and unbridled distrust. Some folks transfer their anger and aggression to their ‘once upon a lover.’ Some are more daring; they put the blame on God, for not dispatching a thousand angels to stop them from saying ‘Yes’ to such a futile relationship.

This phase is more obvious in ladies and here are few of their common choruses: “after all I did for him”, “he used and dumped me”, “he is an ungrateful Dweeb.”

3. Distress and loneliness: This is the island of dejection and despondency. This is the level where sorrow wears some people like garment. Loneliness wraps some folks up like shawarma. Most people in this Valley of sorrow cage themselves in serious isolation. They just want to be alone, they feel rejected and unloved. They get filled with some self immolating aphorism like “Men are beasts”, “ladies are wicked”, “love doesn’t really exist”. Some take permanent decision because of temporary issues.

At this juncture, people do many things to combat the strange feelings within. They take in many things to fill the void inside. Some turn to cinemas, others to drugs and alcohol, they just want to do anything to gain a bit of sanity.

Please, if you are in this state right now, kindly hit the gym, update your library and learn new skills. Biko, look hotter and feed your mind with great stuff until the worthy candidate steps in. Let him meet you as an asset not ornament.

4. Acceptance: This is the point where you allow light to shine through your broken wall. You have got to allow the morning light radiate through the window of your heart. This is the time for healing and the season to move on. You have finally come to terms with the fact that it had happened and you have started seeing the positive side of the whole drama. At this point, you have outgrown the blame game, now you know men are not wicked(at least we still have Saints like the Rockdweller amidst them.. Lol) now it’s crystal clear that ladies aren’t heartless(I mean we still have few angels among the demons). You have forgiven yourself and your ex(the heartbreaker) is now pardoned .

In fact, at this juncture, you know, you deserve someone better now and you won’t even fancy reunion.

If you haven’t completed the cycle, boarding another boat is unhealthy . However, the timing varies;with some, it takes 6 months, for others, years go into it. Sadly, some will never come to the place of acceptance till they join their ancestors.

When you haven’t come to the place of acceptance, you will become a curse instead of a blessing in a relationship. I call people like that Jonah and I advise people around me to avoid them like plague. I have seen relationships crash because some ex (es) kept resurrecting and haunting the present relationship.

NK, Some people are blessed enough to jump from denial to acceptance, so it depends on many factors and personalities.

I pray God’s love heals your heart perfectly in no time.

God bless you richly,

Jesus Parrot

Olatunji Rockdweller.

If you just read through this, I love to hear from you via the comment section below. I long to hear from you and kindly share if you can.